Sometimes I feel so empty. Like I’m broken beyond fixing. Psychologically. I’m very happy as a mom, our two girls are amazing (even though they drive me absolutely bonkers most of the time) but it all feels like a dream. As if one day I had to wake up and I would be all alone. No OH, no children, no house. Just me. And I would be more or less OK with that. Just missing the ‘dream’. I don’t know why I feel like that. I should be happy and thanking God each day for everything He gave me (which I am by the way). There are millions of people in the world who have nothing, who dream about things I have every day. I do consider myself lucky. If I think about life without my girls it breaks my heart. I literally feel like my soul is dying.
It feels like I can never be truly happy. I have trust issues. They range from tiny things to everyday things. And it doesn’t just involve my OH. Anyone that I know I cannot fully trust. Someone can say a simple thing like ‘oh I can’t go tomorrow because I have a hairdresser appointment’ and bam! My brain is starting to over think it, make stories up that they’re probably lying. They just don’t want to go with ME. My OH drives a van to work. If I see a van parked somewhere around our estate, even if it doesn’t have the right stickers, I become suspicious. I do love my OH but if I think about life without him I don’t feel as heartbroken as I possibly should. I’m more thinking along the lines ‘oh well, I’d just get on with it, I might even be better of alone with our girls, I’m on my own all day almost every day anyway’.
And what’s worse, sometimes when I walk somewhere, I feel like I could just keep on walking and not look back. Even though these thoughts/feelings don’t last very long each time, it must be wrong.
Seriously, I think I’m messed up. Where do these thoughts come from?? Who the hell thinks like that???
I started on anti-stress, anti-anxiety, anti-irritability tablets. I find myself shouting too much, loosing my cool way to quick and too often. And taking it out on my little girls is not fair. It’s not their fault Mama feels like she can’t cope, like she could run away, hide somewhere and cry. I cannot let this stupidity take its toll on the bond my girls and I have.
I really just want to be back to my- happy, free spirited, singing, smiling -self.
This may be just stupid babbling to some people but I don’t care. This is what I think. And I refuse to believe I’m the only one in the world feeling this way.